I was thinking tonight about all the things I have missed out on because of having triplets. Don't get me wrong- I love my kids, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But there are times when I find myself longing and grieving for the things I missed out on. Like a full-term pregnancy, being able to bring your baby home with you from the hospital, etc. Things most expectant moms take for granted.
I also realized tonight that I may never be pregnant again. I may never have a new baby in house. I may never get to do that again. And part of me is glad about some of what that means. I mean, who really looks forward to those sleepless nights? And the vain part of me is really proud of being so close to my weight loss goal. But there is another part of me that mourns that.
I think it is the loss of expectation that bothers me the most. We expect things to go a certain way, and when they don't go as planned, we need to come up with another plan. But that doesn't mean we are happy about it.
All this got me thinking about the verse in Luke, chapter 22. “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”
Jesus really does understand everything we go through. Alright, He never specifically had triplets and mourned the possibility of never having more children. If you think He doesn't understand the feelings behind that- you are wrong.
He didn't want to go through what He endured on the cross, and the journey to Calvary. Nobody would desire to go through that. But He put His will aside, and was obedient to God.
This made me see Christ in a whole new light. It never had occurred to me that He didn't want to do it, but He did anyway. I wonder what the human side of Him desired. Marriage? Children, perhaps? A "normal" life? Yet, He sacrificed all of that because He loved us so much and was obedient to His father.
It makes me want to obey Him more. It makes me wonder why I'm not living the way I should. It puts the lost expectations into perspective. It still hurts, but if the purpose of this life is to become more like Jesus- than maybe a little hurting is necessary. He hurt an awful lot for us; it seems wrong that we refuse to be even just a little uncomfortable for Him.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you fall into trials of many kinds, because we know that the testing of our faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work, so you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
God allows uncomfortable situations to come into our lives, not to hurt us Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" but to give us the opportunity for our faith to grow.
And I have to accept that. I may not like what He has planned. I may want something different for myself and for my family. But I also know that He knows best. In short- I am trying to live out that verse in Luke. "Not my will, but yours, be done."
