Tuesday, May 21, 2013

So, when are you going to have more kids?

I know it has been a long time since I've posted. I guess I just didn't feel the need to share anything during that time. But lately, something has been on my heart and mind and I have to share it.

My triplets are almost 3. It boggles my mind how fast and slowly those 3 years have gone by (okay, 2 years 9 months, but still). I am constantly bombarded with questions about my plans for future children. And I know people don't mean anything by it... but please, take a minute and read this and maybe you'll see why it bothers me.

I know most of you don't think twice before asking a newlywed "So, when are you going to start a family?" (Which I hate because it implies that you and your husband are not a family, but that is another post). And when people ask a mom "When are you going to have another?" 

I mean this with all due respect. IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. No ones.  I do not mean to be rude, but I can't stand when people feel it is their right to know about another person's plans for children. I get "You're done right, I mean- 3 and done."  And I get "When do you plan to have more? You don't want them too far apart in age!" ( For the record, there is no perfect age difference, and whatever God plans is perfect.)

I hear "You won't have any trouble conceiving again. Once your body has been pregnant, it knows what to do. Don't worry about it." While I do know several women who have been told they would never be able to conceive in their own that have had that miracle happen (some of whom have never had a pregnancy previously either- so the body memory wouldn't apply) , I also know several who have one child and are trying desperately for another. It's not that easy. And it is very presumptuous as well as thoughtless to say this to someone who has struggled with fertility issues.

Think before you speak. You do not know what another person is going through and to ask anyone other than a very close friend such an intimate detail is invasive. For many women (myself included) it is not just "Oh, lets try for another." And after a few months of trying, here comes the bundle of joy. Even just the question can bring about unpleasant feelings. I have no immediate plans of expanding my family. Yet, when I get a question like that- it stings. It reminds me of everything I went through to get pregnant, to carry my pregnancy somewhat close to term, and the world of the NICU. You don't know what you will be stirring up by asking a seemingly innocent question. All I ask is that you think before you speak.

If the answer to any of the questions is "no", maybe you shouldn't say it. Or ask it.

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